Belonging
by GeorgeGreen
Summary: When Bella goes to confront Jacob, she discovers a secret. What if? On another journey, she has to navigate being herself, loving and trusting others, and accepting differences. She has to find her place. About human relationships, interdependencies, boundaries and rifts. Rather stream of consciousness. Imprint story.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or its characters.

 **AN:** Since you are reading a story inspired by and involving, to some extent, the Quileute tribe and its history, please consider making a charitable donation to groups that help and support American Indians. You can find some resources on twitter here: /MsKellyMHayes/status/1065411304758890497

* * *

I'd kept analyzing what'd happened, wondering what was going on, what I should do. Halfway through, as I realized I should perhaps be paying more attention to the road, it dawned on me that I was really on my way to La Push.

I wondered whether to pull over, continue ahead, or just go back where I came from. But even as I slowed down the truck, I couldn't commit to stopping now, or making a U-turn. It occurred to me that I'd never make this mistake again; I'd never be able to let my mind innocently wander and put me on the road to Billy's house. I'd always be aware of the risk – or the chance. I kept going, less than 20 miles an hour. Obviously, this is how I really wanted to proceed with the entire ordeal, or I wouldn't find myself here in the first place.

It then struck me, and it wasn't the first time, that perhaps I had read the situation completely wrong. What if Sam Uley had nothing to do with it? What if this was what Jacob wanted? I knew I hadn't been a good, honest friend. I don't mean that I didn't care for Jacob, because I did – hell, I was on my way to him now despite several days of stubborn silence. But I had played dumb, strung him along, made him repair bikes that I didn't care about because I knew that the adrenaline rush would bring his voice to my ears. I had been cruelly self-interested, and I knew Jacob was smart; I didn't expect him not to see through the cracks in the façade, the pain, the solitude, the need for comfort and company.

And that night at the movies might have been the breaking point; just him, me and Mike to see a horror movie none of us really wanted to watch. Perhaps that'd been it for Jacob: done playing the lady in waiting to a girl that didn't seem to care enough about him to spare him that, at the very least. And I had told him that there was no hope, that I'd never be what he wanted (or deserved), that he'd better give up on me. I knew it was the truth, and maybe he'd listened. I pressed the breaks.

I'd come to a complete halt on the deserted road. My heart was beating loudly in my chest. I was feeling a bit queasy. I could feel the goosebumps slowly covering my arms, a shiver up my spine. I acted before I could think any more about this, and convinced myself I knew what I wanted. Or that I didn't have a choice now that my foot was on the accelerator and the truck hit the speed limit. I could still feel my ribcage move with each beat of my heart, but I had the feeling it might be slowing down.

I spotted a figure walking along the road. It looked familiar, although not quite the same as anything in my memory. I recognized Quil.

"He looked up when the roar of my truck approached. Quil's expression frightened me more than it surprised me. His face was bleak, brooding, his forehead creased with worry.

"Oh, hey, Bella," he greeted me dully.

"Hi, Quil… Are you okay?"

He stared at me morosely. "Fine."

"Can I give you a ride somewhere?" I offered.

"Sure, I guess," he mumbled. He shuffled around the front of the truck and opened the passenger door to climb in.

"Where to?"

"My house is on the north side, back behind the store," he told me.

"Have you seen Jacob today?" The question burst from me almost before he'd finished speaking.

I looked at Quil eagerly, waiting for his answer. He stared out the windshield for a second before he spoke. "From a distance," he finally said.

"A distance?" I echoed.

"I tried to follow them—he was with Embry." His voice was low, hard to hear over the engine. I leaned closer. "I know they saw me. But they turned and just disappeared into the trees. I don't think they were alone—I think Sam and his crew might have been with them.

"I've been stumbling around in the forest for an hour, yelling for them. I just barely found the road again when you drove up."

"So Sam did get to him." The words were a little distorted—my teeth were gritted together.

Quil stared at me. "You know about that?"

I nodded. "Jake told me… before."

"Before," Quil repeated, and sighed.

"Jacob's just as bad as the others now?"

"Never leaves Sam's side." Quil turned his head and spit out the open window.

"And before that—did he avoid everyone? Was he acting upset?"

His voice was low and rough. "Not for as long as the others. Maybe one day. Then Sam caught up with him."

"What do you think it is? Drugs or something?"

"I can't see Jacob or Embry getting into anything like that… but what do I know? What else could it be? And why aren't the old people worried?" He shook his head, and the fear showed in his eyes now.

"Jacob didn't want to be a part of this… cult. I don't understand what could change him." He stared at me, his face frightened. "I don't want to be next."

My eyes mirrored his fear. That was the second time I'd heard it described as a cult. I shivered. "Are your parents any help?"

He grimaced. "Right. My grandfather's on the council with Jacob's dad. Sam Uley is the best thing that ever happened to this place, as far as he's concerned."

We stared at each other for a prolonged moment. We were in La Push now, and my truck was barely crawling along the empty road. I could see the village's only store not too far ahead.

"I'll get out now," Quil said. "My house is right over there." He gestured toward the small wooden rectangle behind the store. I pulled over to the shoulder, and he jumped out.

"I'm going to go wait for Jacob," I told him in a hard voice.

"Good luck." He slammed the door and shuffled forward along the road, his head bent forward, his shoulders slumped." (Stephanie Meyer, _New Moon_ (New York City, 2006).)

My brief exchange with Quil had done nothing to ease the knot in my stomach; although I knew Jacob's sudden change of heart didn't only have to do with me, Quil's fear made me wonder what Jacob (and I by refusing to let him go) was getting into. I parked in front of Billy's house and opened the car window. The air was so damp and dense today I could feel it forming a thin layer on my skin.

A movement near the house caught my attention and I saw Billy looking at me through his window. I waved politely. Honestly what was I thinking coming all the way here? I almost considered going home, until I realized I'd be too embarrassed if Billy saw me park in front of his house only to go back with my tail between my legs after a few seconds here. So I was staying. Maybe I could give it 20 minutes and then pretend I had other things to go and attend to, and maybe Jacob wouldn't show up until then, and then I wouldn't have to blush or feel stupid every time I interacted with Billy. That sounded like a good excuse to get out of this confrontation. Maybe I could even make it 15.

But I didn't want to give up on Jacob! Only a few moments ago, I'd been as angry and determined as I was indecisive and apprehensive now. As I was deciding whether I should hold tight and stay until I could see Jacob, or drive back home, I saw a group of men, shirtless, come down from the forest towards the Black's. I squinted to try and get a better look. One of them was Sam. I was certain even without being able to make out his features in the distance. My heartrate picked up. Please let me be wrong.

Perhaps I'd still hoped it had been mono, I don't know. But as they made their way to the truck, I could see one of them was Jacob. The shock of seeing him made my hands go incredibly cold; he looked nothing like himself. Slightly lagging behind the other four, he was walking with his head down. His beautiful hair was gone, cut short. He'd grown in a way that I doubted was natural, his jaw and cheekbones had become angular, like all the teenage fat had gone from his face, and his fists were clenched by his side, unlike I'd ever seen them. I was rooted in my spot, torn between meeting them halfway and waiting for them to get to me.

I could feel my hands starting to shake slightly. God, I must have been a pitiful sight. Deprogramming no longer seemed like an achievable goal. They were only a few feet away when my right hand started to fumble with the handle. I looked down for a few seconds to end this unsightly battle between myself and the door. When I looked up I saw Jacob taking in a deep breath before lifting his head. His eyes lingered to the side for a second, the other boys standing behind him. I took in a breath to call his name. He looked me straight in the eyes as I did.

God, I didn't know what to, what to say, how to get him back, how to confront him. I thought I was going to be sick, possibly have a heart attack, or see my complete body go into shock and grow ice cold. But Jacob looked completely serene. He wasn't moving an inch. His face must have looked the opposite of mine: it was smooth, calm, composed. The skin of his nose was no longer wrinkled in a frown. His eyebrows weren't furrowed, and his eyes looked big and innocent again. His mouth stayed close but his lips weren't tight and pale, they were relaxed and full again. He looked almost tranquil with beatitude. He really did look sort of beautiful. So peaceful.

I looked away as I heard someone yell: 'I knew it!'


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or its characters.

 **AN:** Since you are reading a story inspired by and involving, to some extent, the Quileute tribe and its history, please consider making a charitable donation to groups that help and support American Indians. You can find some resources on twitter here: /MsKellyMHayes/status/1065411304758890497

* * *

It looked like Embry. I mean there was no doubt it was Embry, he just looked very different; as Jacob, he'd grown, and more than boys his age should. But he looked happy, he was smiling; there was still something playful about him, like there'd always been. Either way I shot him an annoyed glance. I had quite the trick to pull off here, to save my best friend from whatever was happening to him, or potentially go through the second worst break-up of my life. His interruption was not welcome, and I made sure he got that.

I was turning back towards Jacob when I saw him spin on his heels and run back towards the forest. Oh no, boy, things were not going to go that way. I stumbled out of my truck, almost landing flat in the dirt, and started chasing after him, past Sam Uley and his boys. Or at least that was my firm intention, but one of them grabbed me by the arm and it was like I'd run into a brick wall.

'Let me go!' I said as I tried to wriggle my way out.

I looked up to see a tan, uninterested face peering down at me. I didn't recognize it, and it was intimidating, but I didn't have time to dwell on that. I was grunting through gritted teeth as I pushed and shoved, to no avail. It was like I was only hurting myself, and I could feel my arm was going to sport a large bruise. I hit his chest, panting.

'Let her go, Paul, or she'll get hurt.'

That was Sam. I shot him a nasty look. Paul let go and I started trying to make my way up the hill towards the trees. I felt weak, and I was breathing erratically; I didn't know if it was from the emotional or the physical strain. I reached the border of the forest and called out Jacob's name as loudly as I could. I couldn't see him anywhere. I was ready to venture in when a voice called from behind me.

'Bella!' It was Sam again. 'You won't catch him now. He'll come back.'

I was still out of breath when I turned back to the group. Walking up to Sam, I stopped centimetres from his chest. I don't know what got into me, looking for trouble with a gang leader twice my size, but before I knew it, I was trying to shove him back.

'What did you to him?' I yelled. 'Huh? What did you do to him?'

I didn't even know what else to say him, all I could feel was my anger.

'Hey! Don't do that! What did he tell you, eh? What do you think we did to him?' It was Paul. I ignored him. My only enemy was Sam.

'Give him back!' I shouted. I walked back to the edge of the forest, but even in my state I knew that I'd have no better chance of finding Jacob in these woods than I'd had trying to get him to take a single phone call. I took one step forward, almost ready to leap into the dark unknown, but I just stopped in my track and fell to my knees.

I hadn't wanted to break down, but it didn't feel like there was anything else I could do. I'd missed it, my only chance to get Jacob out of Sam's claws, out of his gang. I'd missed my chance to get my friend back. He'd literally run away from me, and I'd never be able to get this close again. All because of Embry's stupid interference! I'd almost had him.

I knew it wasn't Embry's fault (Jacob could have run at any moment), but I would blame him anyway. I felt a warm hand on my shoulder as I hid my face between my knees. Its touch was soothing. I wanted someone to comfort me, to acknowledge my pain, tell me it was normal to hurt, but that it'd be okay. But not one of them. The only person who could help me like that was Jacob, and they'd ruined our friendship. I shrugged the hand off and continued shedding a few tears, miserable on the damp floor.

'Bella…' Embry started.

'Fuck.' That was the fourth boy.

'Bella, you should go…' Embry said.

I whipped my head up towards him. It felt red, wet, and swollen. I didn't want to look weak and affected, but they would have already been able to tell I was crying.

'This is your fault, Embry!' I answered.

He frowned and I could see he was about to comment on the ridiculousness of my accusation, when Sam interrupted him.

'He's right, Bella. We'll take you to my house, you can wait for Jacob there.'

I couldn't believe my ears. Nothing was going as I'd expected today. I'd wanted to be strong, deadly, determined: intimidate Sam, win Jacob back, prove my father the La Push gang wasn't an innocent youth group. Instead I'd failed my mission and embarrassed myself.

I wiped my face with the back of sleeve. Enough, I decided. Gathering the remains of my dignity, I stood up, sniffling. I pulled down the hoodie that had rid up my back, and considered Sam's offer. I didn't want to be in the same room as him; I didn't trust him or anything he offered. But it might be a chance. A real chance to catch Jacob again, and unguarded. He'd probably not expect me there with the man I hated most right now, and I could probably devise a plan to prevent him escaping until I was done saying my bit. He was looking at me expectantly. I suddenly feared he might retract his offer, and quickly mumbled:

'I'll come.'

One of them sighed, and they turned around to lead the way. I could hear them speak, but I didn't understand. Quileute, I assumed. I pretended not to care what they were saying, but it sounded serious. Sam remained stoic, only giving the others short answers, intermittently. I didn't know what they were discussing, but I saw them glancing back over their shoulders several times. So I had something to do with it. For a moment the irrational fear that they might try to make me disappear crept into my mind. I quickly dismissed it as paranoia, but I decided to stay alert, just in case.

After a five-minute walk, we approached a little house. It didn't stand out in any way, neither old nor new, but it had a certain warmth to it, probably because of the flowers on the window sills. I stayed behind after the four boys entered. Maybe this wasn't the best idea after all. But what else was I going to do? Pointedly stand out here and alert Jacob of my presence before I'd had the chance to talk to him? No. I quickly wiped my cheeks again, to make sure no one else would suspect what'd happen at the forest border, and made my way to the entrance.

Before I'd had the chance to get in, Embry quickly slipped out the door and closed it behind him. He threw me an apologetic smile before quickly whispering:

'Sorry, Bella, just… don't stare at Emily, okay? It bugs Sam…'

He swiftly sneaked back inside, like he'd just told me a secret, and I followed in after him. It was warm inside. And noisy. Sam and his three companions weren't the only ones here. As I continued along the corridor, I passed the kitchen on my left. I saw Sam. I contemplated just pretending I hadn't seen him, when I noticed he wasn't alone.

'Bella,' he began, 'this is my fiancée, Emily'.

I turned towards him, and the girl, Emily, turned to face me too. I immediately noticed the scar across the right side of her face, pulling down the corner of her eye and fixing half her mouth into a sad grimace.

'Hi Bella, I'm Emily. Good to meet you.' She smiled politely, and I kept staring into her left eye, afraid to let my gaze wander.

'Yeah.' I cleared my throat when my voice broke. 'You too.' I wanted to smile because she seemed sweet, but she was with Sam and I refused to show kindness to anyone who let such bad influence roam La Push freely. Unable to decide, I felt my mouth turn into a half, non-committal smile. I quickly left them behind and made my way to the next room.

The living room was very hot, probably because of how crammed it was with Paul, Embry and the unidentified fourth accomplice. They all looked so much alike, I even had trouble spotting Embry among them. They were laughing loudly, and turned to me when I stopped in the doorway. One of them murmured something. Quileute again. I huffed. At least our feelings were mutual.

I left the living room, and then decided to get out of the house entirely. I wasn't interested in the company, and now that I was calm again I remembered that I had a revenge-crazed vampire and her deceptive accomplice after me. I didn't like Sam, but I didn't want to lead Laurent (or indeed Victoria) all the way here, not to Embry and Emily, not even to the rest of Sam's followers. The entire situation was giving me a headache.

I sat on the bench outside, around the corner of the house. I thought I'd be able to hide quickly enough as soon as I saw Jacob. I decided I should prepare for my conversation with him. Sometimes I would mumble under my breath to see how the words would sound. Other times, I remembered that I was probably anticipating Jacob's reactions wrong, and started over, rehearsing different scenarios. After a while, I heard a loud noise coming from the house, and two figures almost fell out the door. They were chuckling, and playful grunts mixed with their laughter. So what were they doing now? Rehearsing for their next gang battle?

I felt slight annoyance for some reason, and sighed as I turned my gaze the other way. They didn't pay me any attention. I heard a third figure join them. I didn't want to be curious, but I was. I slowly turned my head and tried to peer at them over my shoulder, subtly. They were rolling around, trying to pin each other down. I observed quietly. It didn't look like they were training for a fight. An image came to me: when I was younger, Renée would take me to pet shops every once in a while, and we'd spend some time watching the puppies. Those that didn't sleep were playing; chewing each other's ears, rolling one another over. That's what this little display reminded me of, for some absurd reason. Why Jacob was interested in these people, I couldn't fathom. I remembered he was probably brainwashed.

Lost in my thoughts, I'd not been careful enough, and one of them called:

'Hey Bella! Want to join us?'

Another laughed. I didn't doubt I'd been caught staring. I couldn't think of anything smart enough to say, so I just stared blankly ahead of me and ignored him. My cheeks were a little warm.

'Leave it, Jared. We're not what she's into.'

I furrowed my brows. It'd almost sounded like… I turned an inquisitive gaze towards the boy. I couldn't tell who he was, but I'd recognized the voice. Paul. He really had a beef with me.

Before I could think, I was up on my feet. I could feel anxiety in my stomach. It'd almost sounded like… like he was implying I 'was into'… another creature. Something not human. But how? Why?

'Paul, stop it,' Embry said. He sounded somewhat disapproving of Paul's comment. It seemed his jab had brought Sam outside. I thought I could even see Emily trying to take a look from behind him. I took a few steps but I was soon at a loss of what to do. I felt a strange surge of embarrassment at the prospect that they might know about me and the Cullens; my heart skipped a beat at the thought. But I was also vexed, and angry. I couldn't decide which of these emotions to act on, and acute awareness that I had an audience didn't help. I whispered:

'What…'

I clenched my fists at my side as I walked up to Paul. I didn't know what I intended to do until the very moment I did it. I only knew that I didn't want to appear weak. I needed to show them the kind of resistance they'd face; I'd get Jacob out of this cult.

'That's right; I'm sick at the thought of Jacob with the likes of you.'

The words came out more violently than I'd expected. I heard someone whistle from the group by the house. Half against my will, it looked like I was putting on a show for Sam's gang. I hoped I'd do well, or I'd only ever be dismissed in the future.

'Oh yeah?' Paul started. He looked like he was shaking. 'And who would you rather he be with, eh?' He took a step towards me and I retreated.

Don't be scared now, Bella. Now's when you need to stand your ground. I stood taller.

'Anything's better than whatever your gang's offering him!'

'Like what? You and the band of monsters you hang out with?'

I saw my own hand fly up to his face like I had no control over it. I didn't think it would be possible, but my fist managed to reach high enough to land on his jaw. I don't think I'm a violent person, but something had moved in me at his words. A will to defend myself against his accusation that I had done something wrong. The wish to protect the Cullens from the name he'd called them. My plain and growing irritation with all things to do with Sam. My frustration that Paul had decided to make this personal, although I didn't know he existed until half an hour ago.

I immediately held my fist to my chest. I didn't know punching someone hurt this much. I feared I'd broken my hand, and I looked down to make sure it was still whole and intact as I nursed it. Paul's laboured breathing caught my ear and I lifted my gaze again. Maybe I should apologize, or maybe that'd make me look soft and hesitant.

Paul was shaking so strongly I thought I felt the earth move with him beneath my feet.

'Step back, Bella!'

Sam. I fell down a few feet away from Paul. He was shaking so hard I could have sworn his outline was blurring.

'Paul, calm down!'

I don't know why he thought saying that would help. As I started scrambling away on the floor, I saw Sam come next to me. He put his hand behind him as if to push me even further away from Paul.

The next second, there was no more Paul. He'd exploded into a wolf. A giant mutant wolf like the ones I'd seen in the forest with Laurent. It was growling viciously, his gaze ferociously focussed on me. Sam's house was in a secluded part of the reservation; I had no one to call for help.

I whipped around ready to run as fast as I could. As soon as I turned my head, however, I saw another colossal wolf sprinting towards me. I couldn't even scream. I was pretty sure my heart was going to give out right this moment. The second wolf jumped right over me and onto the other. The one that'd been Paul a second ago. I struggled to my feet still intent on running as far as I could when I felt arms wrap around me.

No no no no.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or its characters.

 **AN:** Since you are reading a story inspired by and involving, to some extent, the Quileute tribe and its history, please consider making a charitable donation to groups that help and support American Indians. You can find some resources on twitter here: /MsKellyMHayes/status/1065411304758890497

Thank you for your reviews!

* * *

They spun me around as I wiggled in their grasp, my back to their chest. I could see them now, the two wolves: one brown, one grey. Like in the meadow. They growled and drooled and snapped their jaws and swung their paws. A little sound escaped my throat at the sight. My hands were ice-cold again. My heart was beating so loudly in my ears I couldn't hear any human voices, only the snarling. I knew my face was contorted into an expression of pure horror. I understood that I was being dragged back to the house, and I kept struggling in my captor's arms. I dug my nails in their forearm, elbowed them however I could, tried to kick whatever I could reach. Oh my god. I didn't even know what I'd do if I broke free. My mind was utterly blank. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the animals.

I felt the stairs of the porch hit the back of my legs as I was dragged inside. I saw the corridor closing in on me, the door being shut.

'Please, please, please…' I chanted. I brought my shaking hands to my face. Did I want to cover my eyes? My ears? Touch anything to check that any of this was real? My hands lingered on my cheeks.

I was dragged some more until my back hit the cushion of the couch. It didn't occur to me to run out. No, the wolves were right outside and I wouldn't get past anyone here.

'Oh my God.'

Someone knelt down in front of me. I kept looking down, shaking. The knuckles of my right hand were an angry red, and the skin at the base of my middle finger was turning a disgusting purple shade. It was swollen. But studying my damaged hand was just a distraction: there was a painful lump at the back of my throat; I wasn't breathing right; tears burnt their way down my cheeks, to my neck; my mouth was trembling; my face was distorted by panic and the pain inflicted by its physical manifestations. It hurt to make that face, but I couldn't stop. Am I going to die? I hadn't had time to prepare…

What were these wolves? Was that Paul? Did I dream? Had I been drugged? Of course I hadn't. They were real. Okay. They were real. But what was I supposed to do with that knowledge? And what about the others here, Sam's gang? Did they know what'd just happen?

I felt a hand on my knee. I saw that it was Embry. I looked at the rest of them. They looked worried, but none of them was as panicked as I was. None of them was scared. My gaze landed on Sam. God God God. A sob shook my body. My chest felt constricted, like my ribs were bearing all the pressure they physically could.

'Please, let me just talk to Jacob. Please… I'll just take him and leave.' I was so scared I kept crying. I hated it, because I knew crying wouldn't solve anything, but I couldn't control it.

'Bella.' Embry started. He looked sad. 'It's okay, we're not going to hurt you. Or Jacob.' His mouth moved in an odd way as he pronounced the last two words; like he was articulating a foreign concept.

'What about the wolves? What about Paul? Embry,' I begged; he was the only person I knew here, the only person I hoped would get me out of this situation – make sense of it all, 'what is all this?'

He tore his gaze away from mine. I grabbed his shoulder.

'Embry, what's happening here?' I said erratically. I had meant it as a question, but it sounded like a demand. I could perfectly imagine how desperate and confused I looked. I had stopped crying, but the muscles of my arms and legs were contracting in regular, anxious spasms.

The door opened, footsteps approached. Half covered in dirt, Paul stepped into the living room. I thought I was going to throw up, and stood up suddenly. A hand landed on his shoulder and Jacob appeared behind him. Not a second later I was shoving my way to him. Panting, I grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the house. I didn't look back. I was too scared to; I could imagine Sam's group or the wolves chasing us. I stretched and pushed myself as far as I could. My right hand was throbbing with each step I took. I couldn't hear him, but I knew Jacob was running away with me: I could feel his hand in mine, and no tension in arm. Good, he knew we had to get away. I didn't know La Push well, but I knew enough to find my way to the truck.

I was frantically searching for my keys as soon as we reached it.

'Bella, no.' He said.

Jacob took my arm and led me to his house. I could barely catch my breath. My legs were shaking from the exertion. When we were in the corridor, I tried to pull him back.

'No, Jake! We have to get away from here!'

He stopped.

'Jacob?'

It was Billy. He wheeled his way to us from the kitchen.

'It's okay, Dad. Could you get some ice?'

'No! Jacob!' I continued. 'We have to go! Now!'

'Bella.'

He spun towards me and put his hands on my shoulders.

'Bella,' he repeated, 'It's okay. Nothing more's going to happen here. I'll explain everything, right now. Let's go to my room.'

He slid his hand in mine and we walked on. I was shaking. I knew that after that run, I should have been red, hot and sweaty. But I was terribly cold, and Jacob's hand felt hot as a flame in mine.

I sat on his bed and it all came rushing out.

'Oh my god, Jake, I – I got to Sam's house and Paul, he just – he said something and I punched him and then, there was a giant wolf in his place and another one and – that's why we have to go; I've seen them before, they're dangerous! They're dangerous and we have to go to mine; let's go to Charlie and explain it all. And Sam, he knows, I can tell he's seen them before too! But I'll help you, I will help you so come with me. Whatever's going on, I can't let you stay here. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter…'

I stopped. I sounded crazy. Massive wolves. Men-eating mutant wolves, here in Forks. I shook my head and took a deep breath.

'Okay let me start again.'

'Bella.' Jacob sat down on the bed next to me. Billy must have brought the ice, because Jacob gently pressed something cold against my throbbing hand. Now that my fight or flight instinct was wearing off, I could see that Jacob's face really did look as harsh and old as it had appeared from within the truck. There was a new darkness veiling his features. Like my sun had imploded. There was more than just coldness, however. His eyes weren't shining, but he looked so distressed I had the impression he was about to cry. My heart clenched. No, not my Jacob. I finally noticed that his arm was covered in dirt.

'Oh my god, Jake, are you – are you okay?' I reached to touch his shoulder with my left hand. His skin was incredibly hot. What... Jacob interrupted my thoughts:

'Bella…', he run a hand through his hair and sighed. He looked me dead in the eyes again. God, he looked heartbroken. And torn. Like when there is something you should do, but you can't find a way to do it that'd make you happy. I hated seeing him like that; in pain. I hated it like nothing else. 'The wolves won't hurt you. Sam… The rest of the group and I', he inhaled slowly, and his voice broke as he uttered the next words, 'we're the wolves.'


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or its characters.

 **AN:** Since you are reading a story inspired by and involving, to some extent, the Quileute tribe and its history, please consider making a charitable donation to groups that help and support American Indians. You can find some resources on twitter here: /MsKellyMHayes/status/1065411304758890497

Thank you for your reviews!

* * *

'You're the wolves…' My voice didn't sound like my own; it was distorted by the tightness in my throat.

'Do you remember the legends? The ones I told you about the first day we met, on First Beach?' He continued.

Of course, I did; the cold ones, blood-drinkers, immortals that didn't hunt humans, whose existence was hidden from the pale-faces. And then, slowly, bits and pieces of Jacob's unnecessary prelude: the history of the flood, the wolves. The wolves that turned into men. The men that turn into wolves. "You would call them werewolves."

I swallowed hard and audibly. Just like that day, I had goose bumps. Jacob took this as a yes, but reminded us both anyway:

'The one about how we're descended from wolves – the story of how K'wati turned wolves into Indians, and these were the Quileutes.' He corrected himself drily. He let out a sigh and shook his head in frustration. I watched his hand reach up to his shoulder and close into a fist around nothing, because his long, glossy hair was no longer there. His arm fell limply at his side and he let out a pained, embittered grunt. I knew it wasn't about the hair.

My mind was completely blank as I listened to him. I wished that it could be like in the movies: I could just faint and when I would wake up, I'd be alone, able to process it all without having to react immediately. There would be no vulnerability, and no risk of reacting wrong.

'I always thought it was gibberish, the old man's tribe pride or something, but… Well, you saw it.' His face was hard, but I could see it in his eyes: fear. He was scared as he looked for any indications of what I was thinking. I couldn't think, though. I could only feel, passively. I felt… empty. Like everything was happening outside of me. Like I was just there to witness the world happening unto me. 'It's not all of us though. Just a _lucky few_ that inherited the gene,' he snorted.

Oh, Jacob. I wanted to smile at him, to let him know that it's okay; I can cope with weird, can't I? But I couldn't reassure him, I couldn't smile; my lips were shaking as I tried to lift them. I turned my eyes to the window. He let out a defeated sigh. I didn't want to hurt him inadvertently with my silence, so I racked my brain for something harmless to say, fast. Something dumb. Something matter-of-fact.

'It's not a cult, is it? It's a pack that you're part of,' I whispered. That was more insightful than I'd expected.

'Yeah… Sam – Sam isn't bad.'

The way he said it, I wondered what he meant by 'bad'. He lifted the ice pack off my hand, which was kind of numb now. He got up quickly:

'Let me take you to the ER, okay? I don't think you were quite ready to pick a fight with Paul, even if I can't blame you for doing it.' He grinned, but it didn't reach his eyes. There was no fear in them now, they were guarded, unreadable. I pulled a face when he reminded me; what would I tell Charlie this time?

He helped me up, and I was glad, because I knew better than to trust my own legs at that moment. They still had a slight tremor in them. He let go abruptly, however, as soon as he had ascertained that I would be able to stand on my own two feet. He led the way to the truck, swiftly. As I watched him get behind the wheel, it struck me that Jacob was no longer gangly or klutzy. It was almost disturbing to see someone so big move with such grace. It reminded me of an even larger yet incredibly graceful person, and I winced, refusing to think his name.

We were silent as we made our way back to Forks. My mind wasn't making any progress processing the thought – _knowledge_ that Jacob was a werewolf. Even in my head, the word sounded wrong, it was too… fantastical. But Jacob was real. Several times, I tried to really think about what he'd told me. I asked myself: 'Okay, Jacob is a werewolf - what does that mean? What are the implications?' But I couldn't get far. My thoughts slipped out of my mind as soon as they slipped in; I couldn't hold on to anything. I could draw maybe one or two inferences before I forgot them along with the questions I'd asked myself. Then I'd start over. I couldn't even tell how many times I'd come to the same two stupid, useless conclusions. No matter how much I focussed, the only one that really stuck was 'Jacob isn't human'. I was getting frustrated again at the sensation of my mind overcrowded with thoughts I couldn't grasp. I grit my teeth; this was going nowhere. Maybe talking it out (or talking about anything else really, but I doubted that was possible) would help. If I could bring myself to sound remotely normal, that is.

'So… why didn't you tell me before?' I asked, watching straight ahead. My voice was almost steady.

He was silent for a bit.

'We're not supposed to tell anyone. Not anyone that doesn't absolutely need to know; Embry's mum has no idea.' He added as an example.

I watched him from the corner of my eye now.

'But you told me now.' I retorted. He was quick to answer this time.

'That's because you saw it happen. You saw Paul… change. There was no point in hiding it from you after that.'

'Did you have no way of letting me know before?' I insisted. I was almost getting angry again. God, so much of that in me today! 'When you started completely shutting me off like that…' I trailed off. It felt unfair to add that onto his plate, but I was so mentally exhausted that I barely had any control over what came out of my mouth.

'No, Bella!' He turned to me immediately, as much as driving the truck would allow. 'I'm – I'm sorry that I broke my promise. I wanted to tell you, I swear, but… I just couldn't.'

I turned towards him, shooting him a curious, expecting glance. He caught my eyes and pulled his lips into a thin line.

'In the pack, Sam, well, he's the Alpha – the head of the pack, you know? When he tells us something and he really means it, we have to follow whatever it is he says. Sam knew that I desperately wanted to tell you, because I didn't want to do what the other... what _he_ did, just leave, abandon you.' Ah… The edges of the hole in my chest started tingling as he said that.

'Please, Jacob…'

'Sorry. I just… I didn't want to break my promise to you,' He repeated. 'But Sam knew that and he said – he _ordered_ me not to tell you anything. I had no choice, I was physically unable to tell you.'

I let out a long, appreciative 'hm'.

'But today you could, because…'

'Because you saw Paul lose it,' he completed.

I shuddered thinking back to it. I hoped Jacob wouldn't notice, but he must have. He quickly added:

'But there were other reasons why I didn't try everything I could to let you know. I didn't know how you'd take it, how you'd react, if you'd react badly,' he said cynically. I wish I could deny it, but I knew I hadn't reacted well.

Before I could think, I answered:

'No, it's fine. It's okay… that you're a wolf.' The words felt strange on my tongue. I thought I might be lying to Jacob because I couldn't bear to think that he could be hurting because of me, but as soon as I'd said it, I realized that it was the truth. I didn't mind that Jacob was… half wolf, or whatever he was. I needed him, and he was still Jacob.

His reaction wasn't what I'd expected. I thought his wide grin would return and that he might even tease me about it. Instead, in a huskier voice, gripping the steering wheel hard, fighting with himself not to let anything show, he said:

'It's not just that, Bella. You shouldn't be with me; it's dangerous.'

With that, the truck pulled to a halt in front of the ER entrance and before I could respond, Jacob had got out the cab. I followed him inside, moving slower than he did, and he was already speaking to a nurse by the time I'd made it to the counter. It was a Friday afternoon, but the ER was surprisingly empty. They would see me right away, she said. Even a year on, it might have had to do with the fact I am "Chief Swan's daughter".

I wanted to continue my conversation with Jacob, grab him by the shoulders and ask him what he meant, sort it out right here and then before it turned back into a game of hide-and-seek between me, Billy and our phones. But the doctor on duty interrupted. Jacob left silently as the woman showed me the way to a consultation room. His departure caused an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, but I was too tired to fight anyone else today.

My thoughts were still whirling around my head, too slow for me to be concerned, too fast for me focus on them. It was the same that stood out: 'Jacob isn't human'. I felt a dry, nasty laugh at the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed it down. Jacob. The only human being that I felt remotely happy with, the only human being whom I wasn't bound to by blood and loved, the only human being I related to... Except he wasn't human. Half my mouth rose in a resentful smile. There was a prickling at the back of my eyes, and I used all the strength I had left to fight it. Why? Why couldn't I have at least Jacob? Wasn't my life filled with enough myths and legends already?

I'd had a scan to confirm, but as the doctor suspected, it was a bruised knuckle. The kind of injury that usually occurs in a fist fight, but can also occur during a bad fall, which is what Jacob had told the nurse had happened. I remembered the last time I was here, a bit more than two weeks ago. Jacob had held my hand as they stitched the cut on my forehead. The mental image had the familiarity of a fresh memory, but it felt like it had happened long ago. They gave me painkillers, asked that I apply cold compresses, and sent me on my way with a splint. That was going to be hard to hide from Charlie.

He wasn't home when I came back. It wasn't easy to cook with a splint, so I just put some frozen lasagna in the oven. I was feeling a bit funny. All that anger today had drained me. I was lethargic, on the couch, when I heard the cruiser pull into the driveway.

'Hi, Bells.'

'Hey, Dad.'

Charlie stepped into the living room for his usual awkward check-in, and he was quick to notice the splint on my right hand.

'What happened to your hand?'

'I fell in Jacob's garage. Don't worry, he drove to the ER. It's just a bruised knuckle, it should go away in a few days.'

Charlie was obviously content to hear me drop Jacob's name in the conversation, to hear that we'd made up. I wasn't sure that we had, but I saw him smile to himself as he turned back to the kitchen. He apparently did not suspect his daughter had punched a werewolf in the face.

'You and Jacob's garage. I'm wondering if we should even allow you in there, you keep returning all cut and bruised.' I could tell he was concerned, but he also found it amusing. Despite everything that had happened in the past few days, and the growing list of 'accidents' that I suffered at La Push, it was clear Charlie trusted Jacob. He cleared his throat. 'Try to be more careful though, will ya?'

'Yeah.'

I had no appetite for the lasagna, so I was just waiting for a reasonable time to go up and collapse on my bed. Be done with the day. I wasn't bothered by the wait, I knew Charlie was a quick eater.

'Also, er, Bella. If you're going to be driving to La Push again, don't wander around, okay?'

I never did.

'Sure. Why?'

'There's been another attack – the wolves, near the hot spring resort this time. With a witness, too, and real close to the road. Poor woman's husband disappeared and she saw a big grey wolf while she was looking for him.'

There was anxiety bubbling in my stomach again.

'He was attacked by a wolf?' My voice was high-pitched.

Charlie didn't answer my question. Instead he continued:

'Guy just vanished, we found only a little blood at the scene, and a few paw prints, so better stay away. Besides, there's a reward for the wolf carcasses; that means hunters, rangers and armed volunteers… There'll be a lot of fire power in that forest starting tomorrow, so just avoid it, okay? I'll be joining the group, so hopefully I can manage them all a bit from there…'

I took a deep breath but still choked on the words:

'You'll be shooting the wolves?'

'They're dangerous, Bells, nothing else we can do,' he admitted, defeated. I could feel my chest shake with each loud, panicked heartbeat. It was so strong I'm sure it was visible to the naked eye. I felt sick. 'Bella, you okay?'

'Sorry, Dad, I've not been feeling so good today. I think I'll just go to sleep.'

I didn't even bother checking his reaction. I just run up the stairs. I leaned over the toilet seat for a few minutes, certain that I was just going to throw up. That didn't happen. I dragged myself to my room to lean against my bed, and my head filled with all the cues I'd missed. The paw prints, the blood, the disappearances. Jacob avoiding me, saying "it's dangerous", his face aged and cold and pained and tired.

My vision was getting dark around the edges. I put my head between my knees, trying to count slowly from one to ten. It was useless - I was fully panicked. I kept counting out loud, but I could tell I was falling deeper and deeper, suffocating under layers of fear and helplessness.

So which one was it?

Was my father going to shoot my best friend, or would Jacob get him first?


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or its characters.

 **AN:** Since you are reading a story inspired by and involving, to some extent, the Quileute tribe and its history, please consider making a charitable donation to groups that help and support American Indians. You can find some resources on twitter here: /MsKellyMHayes/status/1065411304758890497

Thank you for your reviews!

* * *

I don't know how long it took for me to calm down; in my mind, it had all been too long. I was still shaking, still on the verge of falling back into the drowning sea of my anxiety, but at least I could move again.

I was incredibly thirsty. I went, as quietly as possible, to the bathroom, and took three gulps of tap water before getting back to bed. It tasted absolutely foul, but it offered the immediate relief I needed. I closed my eyes. I could still feel my heart fluttering in my chest, alert, ready to start sprinting again at the slightest nudge. I was tired. I waited.

I did fall asleep at some point.

I rolled around all night long. The events of the day played over and over again in my head; sometimes I even saw things that hadn't happened. I woke up several times to see the clock go by. 1:36. 2:03. 2:44. 3:17.

I was in the forest. It was familiar; I'd seen it before. For a moment, I wondered if it was the forest I saw in most of my dreams, but I soon realized it wasn't. No, there was a slight smell of salt. No. Not salt. Seawater. I knew this forest; it was the one in La Push, close to the ocean. Yes. I could hear the waves. It was pleasant. I knew the sun was shining above me, although I couldn't see the sky. I took a few steps forward, towards the beach, towards the light. Jacob appeared then, and tried to pull me back inside the dark depths of the woods. He looked like he had that time we first met. I struck me then: I'd already seen all this.

'What's wrong?' I asked him. I knew what he would answer.

'Run, Bella, you have to run!'

I turned back towards the sound of the sea; I knew Edward would appear, glistening, unveiling inhumanely sharp teeth. That's when I heard Jacob fall to the ground behind me.

Wait.

When I turned back, there was a gigantic russet wolf growling, its teeth bared at me. A beast.

I woke up in the middle of a scream.

5:23am.

Charlie didn't come in. I was glad that he didn't, because it meant that maybe he was still asleep (although not for long), but it also… unnerved me slightly. Sometimes, I wished that he would come in every once in a while, even if we both knew it was useless; just be there, acknowledge it. Acknowledge me. But I would never blame him. No, never.

I then remembered our conversation from yesterday. He was going to the forest to shoot the murderous wolves.

I couldn't tell Charlie about the werewolves, so I had to tell Jacob about Charlie. Maybe he hadn't killed anyone yet. Maybe he was being forced. On the off chance that this was the case, but even if it wasn't, I decided that I should warn him as soon as possible. I had a headache and I felt dizzy as soon as stood up, but I was determined to make it to Jacob's house as soon as I could.

Charlie was cleaning his breakfast bowl when I came down.

'Hi Dad.' I said flatly.

'Morning, Bells.'

I sat at the table in front of my cereal bowl, the left side of my head throbbing.

'You okay, there?' Charlie asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

'Yeah,' I croaked. I cleared my throat. 'Yeah I'm fine Dad.'

It occurred to me then that maybe Charlie wasn't as emotionally oblivious as I believed, and that maybe I could control my facial expressions even worse than I thought. I attempted to smooth my features over, half-heartedly.

'You're going somewhere?' He asked again. Obviously, he could tell something was wrong, and the casual and solitary morning I had expected before seeing Jacob was no longer an option. I tried not to get annoyed; Charlie was just a caring parent.

'Yeah… Um – I'm going to Billy's.'

'Isn't a bit early to visit?'

Breathe. Control. Be nice for once.

'No, I know, it's just… a bit urgent.'

'Nothing the matter with you or Jacob, is it?' He was worried.

'No! No…' I lied. 'Actually, you're right; it might be… a bit early.'

I didn't know how early though. I glanced at the microwave but Charlie caught me.

'It's 5:40, Bella. On a Saturday.'

'Where are you going?' I asked to distract him.

'To the forest, we're starting the wolf hunt today.'

Mistake mistake mistake. No.

'Dad, please, don't go – it's dangerous!' I said before I could think.

'Bella… I can't not go, it's my job.' He looked at me like he would a child throwing a tantrum, which, given his sweet but perilous ignorance, was what this looked like. I knew there was no hiding the truth plastered on my face, however; it _was_ dangerous. Charlie read it. 'Hey, it'll be fine, don't worry. We've got this, yeah? It's not the first time something like this happens in these parts.' He pulled an awkward half smile; emotions were still Charlie's weak point. I could tell that it was meant to be a reassuring smile. There was no way, though.

I nodded. I knew he would have given me a hug right now if we hadn't been who we are, in that cold kitchen on a Saturday morning.

'You don't look so good, kid… Why don't you try and rest some more before you go see Jacob? And no stops on the way, alright?'

'Yeah, yeah,' I said weakly.

He made his way to the door and I noticed the gun on his belt.

I counted thirty seconds after I heard Charlie's cruiser leave before I grabbed my coat and keys and made my way to the truck. It didn't matter if I got to Billy's house at 6am. Actually, it would be great to get there as early as possible.

Watching the road ahead, thinking back to my last conversations with Charlie, I could feel guilt swell up in my chest. I wasn't being a kind child. Of course, Charlie didn't expect me to be a quiet and obedient high school student; teenagers were probably one of his bugbears. But I _had_ been that well-behaved and boring teenager with Renée, and there was a world between being an untamed troublemaker and being a zombie that woke her father up screaming every morning and could barely function outside her most basic routine.

That was part of it. The biggest reason why the guilt was almost choking me was that I felt more compelled to protect Jacob than Charlie. In a world where he or Jacob might die, I hadn't done whatever it took to keep Charlie home. And there were so many things I could have done, so many ways I could have exploited his fatherly love to keep him away from the forest. But I hadn't; I'd chosen to run to Jacob and warn him instead.

As I neared the reservation, the guilt eased slowly. I remembered my time with Jacob, before all this; he was 16, he was scared, he was in pain. I couldn't abandon him to fate. I couldn't let him be ruined by Sam.

That thought alone incensed me and I jumped out the cab to knock on Billy's door like a fury. Sam. I knocked again a few seconds later, equally loudly. It's only when I heard movement inside the house that I realized it wasn't even 7 yet and for no apparent reason I'd been banging on the door. I groaned. I needed this madness to stop.

When the door opened, it was Jacob standing on the other side of it. It's funny, for some reason, I'd expected Billy… Looking at Jacob's face, I was reminded again of all that he'd been through; he barely resembled the Jacob that I'd been fixing bikes with. He also looked surprised to see me; his face was a semi-composed mask of caution, irritation and worry, but the surprise showed in his brows. He wasn't wearing a top either, so he must have hurried to the door.

'Bella,' he said sternly.

Here we go again. I could tell that my face now mirrored his; his coldness had riled me.

'I need to talk to you,' I said, anger barely contained. God, my head hurt.

'Well?' He responded expectantly after a few seconds, like I should have explained it all right here and there. He hadn't even closed the door.

'Alone!' I snapped, before stomping off away from the house. I didn't doubt that Billy was awake and I didn't want him to overhear.

He didn't bother grabbing a t-shirt, and I was annoyed with how quickly he caught up with me, but I was glad that it meant he'd have to lead the way. I could barely see where I was going in the dark.

I could just about discern the waves glistening when he spoke again.

'So? Are you going to say something or what?' He asked. Did he have to speak so harshly?

'For God's sake, Jake, shut up,' I responded through gritted teeth.

He stopped walking and I turned around to face him, but I couldn't see much at all.

'What?' He asked. 'You changed your mind since yesterday?' He demanded aggressively. I stared at him for a while longer, trying to make out his face in the morning darkness. I was a bit scared, unable to see him – not because I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but because it felt lonely; like talking to a stranger. It could almost have been anyone. The tinge of fear softened me.

'Jake, it's just… not right,' I said gently.

He scoffed.

'Not right?'

'You know they're sending-'

'Rangers and hunters, yeah, we know, it's fine.' He articulated every word.

I couldn't believe my ears. I stepped closer, hoping I would see him better. It didn't help.

'"Fine"? Have you – are you serious? You know they're setting traps and have guns and are asking for _carcasses_?' My voice was strangled in my throat as I uttered the last word.

'As I said, we'll be fine.' There was a slight edge to his voice. I could see his silhouette moving; he was pacing, but not nervously. Almost like he was bored or wanted a distraction. 'They're only going to make it difficult, but that doesn't matter.'

'"Doesn't matter?"' I echoed. 'Are you for real?'

'Because they'll end up disappearing too, eventually.'

'How can you even say that? Charlie's there with them!' I yelled.

'I can't do anything about it,' he muttered.

The sun's halo was rising slowly. I couldn't believe Jacob would say something like that. I was breathing louder now. He stopped pacing and I think he was looking at me.

'Don't do it.'

'What are you talking about?' He sounded confused.

'Don't be a werewolf. Can't you… not be a werewolf?' I whispered.

He laughed loudly. It was mean sound.

'Like I have a choice about it!' He yelled. 'I can't control it, Bella!' He sounded almost disgusted with me for even implying that he could.

I thought of the Cullens then, and I started trembling. I pictured Carlisle and Esmée and Alice and the blood on the floor at the birthday party. They'd done it. They'd controlled themselves. Even… Even Edward had.

'Then that's it,' I whispered finally. The words broke my heart as soon as I heard them, but I had said them. I already regretted them (how could I live without Jacob?), but there was nothing else for me to do. I was trying, desperately, but Jacob was resigned to his fate.

'"That's it?"' He repeated coldly.

He took a step towards me. I still couldn't see his face, but I noticed his arms were shaking.

"Step away, Bella!"

Ah. The sweet velvet voice. It's back. Edward. It had been so long.

'What was all that bullshit then, huh?' Jacob interrupted. His voice was low but I could hear the rage in it.

"Step away, Bella, it's dangerous!"

The wolf of my dream flashed in front of my eyes. I listened to Edward's voice: I took a step back.

'What was the point of you telling me that it was fine yesterday?' He whispered. He raised his voice then: 'Why did you even – You sat there telling me you didn't care what I was, but look at you! You're so terrified you can't even look at me.' My head snapped up. He sounded in pain. 'You're such a hypocrite!'

His accusation stung.

'A hypocrite?' I repeated. A new wave of anger was rising in me.

'So what is it your bloodsuckers do better than me, hm? Because apparently, it's as Paul said, we're just not what you're into. Oh, please forgive us, Bella, we're just not the right kind of monsters for you, are we?' His shoulders were quivering.

"Don't push him, Bella." Too late.

'They don't kill anybody, okay?' I snapped.

'What?' Jacob asked. We froze.

What?

The sky was warming up then and my eyes were used to the darkness. I tried once again to make out Jacob's features: he was perplexed, perhaps as much as I was. He was also looking at me like I was stupid. I lost all confidence in what I was trying to say. There was still that dull pain in my head.

'What?' I repeated.

'I don't kill people, Bella,' He responded slowly.

We were silent for a few seconds. I felt warmth in my cheeks.

'You thought I was killing people?' He said. He sounded both incredulous and offended. I even wondered if he might start laughing.

'What were you talking about?' I asked.

'Just… About your general disgust for werewolves.'

'What? No!' I replied immediately. Hi face suddenly smoothed over, like yesterday. It didn't look as youthful, but it was there: hope and calm. 'No, Charlie said a hiker was attacked by a wolf yesterday…' I explained meekly.

He put his head in his hands, and when he uncovered it, a furtive, happy laugh escaped his lips.

'It's not funny, Jake, people are dying!'

He closed the distance between us and exhaled loudly. He took my hands in his and I didn't have the heart to pull them away: his entire face had brightened.

'So you don't mind? That I transform into a giant dog,' he asked urgently. He sounded like the old Jacob. I couldn't help but smile at him.

'No, Jake, I already told you: it's fine. I swear.'

I felt his entire body relax through the grasp he had on my hands. Suddenly, like he couldn't bear the weight of his own body, he sat down in the dirt. He rubbed his face and sighed again like he couldn't believe his ears. There was a small but genuine smile on his lips. I felt bad.

'I'm sorry I got you worried… But, so you're not a murderer, right?' I sputtered. Just to make sure.

'No, no, we're trying to stop this, me and the others…' He was also rushing the words out. He looked up at me, serious. It was strange to look down at him. 'It's not us killing people. It's the vampire.'

It was the first time I had heard Jacob say the word since that day on the beach. A sudden horror took hold of me. My fingers went cold again, and my core started shivering. The smart part of my brain caught up with me quickly: Laurent.

'Laurent,' I told him. It sounded like someone had pulled the name out of my throat against my will.

'Who's that?' He said, eyebrows furrowed. He didn't realize. I breathed in deeply.

'The vampire from the meadow…' Flat and calm. Jacob shook his head.

'Oh, no, it's not him,' he clarified in a relieved tone. His face lost some of his seriousness.

'How do you know?' I asked anxiously. He grinned a fierce grin.

'Because he's dead.' His dark eyes twinkled slightly.

'What do you mean, "he's dead"?' There was no way.

'That day in the meadow? You remember, right?' He paused to see me nod. 'We killed him. But that still doesn't make me a murdered, okay? Leeches don't count,' he added quickly.

'You can't kill a vampire, Jake,' I scoffed.

'Yes, you can. Well, not you,' he grinned wider, 'but I can; we can, the pack can. That's why we're here, remember?' His grin turned into a small, tight smile. 'The "protectors"? It's against the vampires. They're the reason we phase – transform in the first place.' The smile was gone then, but I barely noticed.

'But how?' I was flapping around like a flightless bird. 'They're… Their skin is hard as a rock! And how did you even catch him?' I shrieked.

'It's what we're made for, Bella,' he explained patiently, but his eyes had lost their twinkle; they were black and deep and empty. 'Besides, with that many of us and only one of him, it was barely entertaining,' he joked. Neither he nor I had the spirits for it.

I sat down next to him slowly. I grabbed his forearm. Jacob had fought with Laurent. He'd almost died. He'd almost left to be gone forever.

The sun was just beginning to cast its shine on the dark waters of the pacific. He pulled his arm away from my clammy hands. I must have looked awful, because even as I was sat on the floor, Jacob gripped my shoulders like he thought I was going to lose balance. I thought I might, too.

'Bella, are you okay?' He asked anxiously. 'Don't tell me he was your friend. He was about to kill you!' He grunted angrily.

'No, no, um, I'm so…' My voice shook. Tears welled up in my eyes. 'I'm so relieved he's gone. I've been scared to death every day since that time that he might be coming for me, that he might kill Charlie.' I let out a long sigh.

'He's not coming back, Bella.' His face was so serious as he said it, I almost felt safe just watching him. 'It's okay.' He pressed his warm cheek against my shoulder.

I felt a sudden pain in my chest.

'Jacob…' I begun. My voice sounded distant to my own ears. I was scared to say the next bit. 'If Laurent's dead, why are people still disappearing?' He clicked his tongue.

'His mate is still around,' he admitted angrily. 'We thought she'd come for us, to take revenge, you know? That's what our stories say, that they would try to avenge each other. But she's playing hide-and-seek with us. We don't understand what she's trying to do.' His jaw was tight as he spoke.

'Laurent has a mate?' Pray.

'Yeah, a redhead.' Victoria. 'Is this one –'

He stopped when I lurched forward and heaved.

No air could get in.

'Bella, Bella, honey, it's okay. Breathe. Breathe with me. In, out, in, out…' But even he didn't sound calm.

His hand was on my back. I didn't listen to him. I needed to say it. He must know. I sobbed:

'She's here to kill me. Oh my God, she's going to kill me.'

I could hear him breathe heavily next to me, out of sync with my own panting. He rushed to his feet and pulled me up. My arm hurt a bit from his grip (Paul's bruise was right there), but it felt like nothing in that moment. My chest was too tight. I couldn't breathe. My face was wet. My mouth was dry. My head was throbbing again.

'Okay. Come on. Bella. Walk. Walk!'

I couldn't. He was practically dragging me.

I turned away from him just as I felt it rising up my throat. It landed on the ground with a disgusting splash.

'Fuck. Fuck!' I'd never heard Jacob swear.

His arm was making mine shake. I couldn't see him. It was all blurry.

He pulled me in. The ground disappeared beneath my feet. He was running.

She was going to kill me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or its characters.

 **AN:** Since you are reading a story inspired by and involving, to some extent, the Quileute tribe and its history, please consider making a charitable donation to groups that help and support American Indians. You can find some resources on twitter here: /MsKellyMHayes/status/1065411304758890497

* * *

'Emily!' Jacob screamed. 'Emily!' He tried again, louder.

The door slammed open. It made me jump.

'Emily,' he sighed in relief. 'Take her, Emily, take her.'

I noticed her then, standing by the table. We were in her kitchen.

Jacob put me down and I lost balance when the world stopped shaking. I held on to the edge of the counter not to fall; I wasn't sure I could feel my legs properly. Emily had rushed to my side, but she was very slow when she brought her hand to my shoulder.

'What happened?' She sounded impressively level-headed.

Focus. Focus.

It's probably panic.

I need to rinse my mouth. Go.

I pushed myself to the sink and leaned in to catch some of the water. I felt heavy. Emily followed me and held my hair. She washed a few strands.

I couldn't move my lips and answer her.

The strength of my own heart beating was making me feel sick again.

'Bella,' Jacob started, 'said that the vampire we've been trying to catch is after her.' I stared at the bottom of the sink. Jacob sounded fine.

'Hey Bella, it's okay, look at me,' she said in a very soft voice. My head felt heavy, but I did. 'Good, good, now breathe with me,' she instructed gently. She breathed deeply, with exaggerated motions. I hadn't been aware I'd not been breathing right. 'Yep, that's right, you're doing great, Bella.' She gave my hand a squeeze. I stared into her eyes. They wrinkled when she smiled at me, one more than the other. 'I'll stay here. Take your time. There's no hurry.'

She squeezed my hand again before turning to Jacob. I stared at the collar of her t-shirt. It was white cotton.

'Jacob, are you okay?' Her voice was deep and smooth.

'Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm just…' He trailed off. 'I don't know why, I just panicked. But I feel completely fine, I just can't stop shaking.'

The door opened without warning. A terrified scream erupted from my lungs.

Focus. Focus.

It's just a panic attack. It's just your body panicking.

Yes, my mind feels fine.

'Wow, everyone okay?' I recognized that voice. The boy whose name I didn't know came in. 'Damn, Jake, you alright?' He asked, taken aback.

'Jared,' Emily interrupted, 'can you help me get Bella to the couch?' Move? But I felt heavier than a rock. She turned to me. 'We're just going to the couch, Bella, yeah?'

Jared approached slowly and put my arm around his neck. He was very warm and it sent a ripple down my spine. Emily was on the other side of me. I felt stiff as a wooden plank. It was only a few seconds before they put me down again.

Everything was both way too fast and much too slow. I was too. My heart was sprinting, and my lungs couldn't catch up. My mind was stuck in an underwater world, but my senses could register the tiniest change in my surroundings.

'I'll be back in a second,' Emily said.

Jacob walked to me as she got up. He sat cross-legged in front of me, at my feet, on the floor, where Emily had been. He was still shaking.

I realized I was too. But no, I feel fine – I don't feel anything.

'Breathe, Bella,' he begged. I must have stopped breathing normally again. He breathed in deeply before letting out a long, strong exhale. And again. I understood he was doing this for me. Like with Emily, I tried to imitate him. My shoulders hurt.

Emily was back within seconds, as she promised. She knelt next to Jacob. She pushed my hair away from my forehead, and wiped my face with a wet towel. I shivered. It was so cold suddenly.

'Here,' she said.

She put a blanket on top of me, but I was still cold, still trembling.

Focus, Focus.

It's just in your body.

'It's okay, Bella, take your time.' There is no time!

Focus. Speak.

Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Speak.

'Victoria,' I started, and another ripple went down my spine. I stared into Emily's eyes; I don't know why, I thought it might help ground me. 'Victoria,' I repeated, 'that's the name of the red-headed vampire. Jacob said you don't know what she's trying to do; she's trying to get to me.' My voice was unusually steady, but it sounded like it came from far, far away. I paused for a second.

Focus. You need to tell them.

'She wants to kill me. Laurent told me. He wasn't her mate: it was a vampire called James. Edward killed him, so now she wants to kill me. An eye for an eye; a mate for a mate.'

My wrist itched.

It's so cold here.

I wrapped myself tighter in the blanket.

I looked down to my hands. They were clasped together tightly. Locked. I could see the profile of the cold scar on my arm. It dawned on me then that the heaviness I was feeling was really pressure; the tension in my muscles.

It's just panic. Focus.

'She doesn't know that he's left. Me.' Shiver. Why can't I stop shaking?

'Hey, Bella,' Emily called. She had a pretty voice, quite low. I looked at her. 'Can I hold your hand?' I was a bit taken aback by her request.

'Um, yeah,' I said after a while.

Focus.

She put both her hands on mine. She didn't try to pry them apart as I had expected.

'Do you feel them?'

I hadn't tried until she'd asked, but yes, there it was, the faint warmth of her body seeping into my skin. The shadow of her hands' weight on mine. I nodded. She didn't really smile, but the corners of her mouth turned up slightly.

'Good, good,' she said, nodding to herself. 'Look, Bella, it's normal to be shaking. It's fine, you can shake as much as you need, it's a good thing; it's your body letting go. It'll stop. So just... let's just wait here together, yeah? There's no hurry.'

A part of me was screaming in protest; she's here, nobody is safe anymore! But I tried to ignore it. I tried to focus on the feeling of Emily's hands, instead.

It was the second time in our lives that I'd met Emily. I knew my real anchor here (and pretty much anywhere now) was Jacob, but I was too scared to look at him. What kind of look did he have on his face? Was he angry? Was he weirded out? Scared?

 _I_ was afraid that he was judging me. He knew, about the Cullens. His father had sent him to me with cryptic messages ("We'll be watching"), and now he knew what they meant, he knew what they'd really been referring to. And now he also knew that they were justified, because I was having a panic attack at his pack leader's house after hearing a vampire was in town and determined to spill my blood.

Mostly I was scared because I knew that no matter the extent of Jacob's horror, it changed nothing. I loved them. I loved him – I loved Edward.

I stole a quick glance at Jacob's arm. There was only a slight tremor in his body now. I quickly reverted to staring blankly at my lap. I tried to focus on Emily's hands again. They were warm and dry. They weren't very soft, but the skin wasn't rough.

We did as she said. We waited. She sat with me; didn't do anything, didn't speak, just waited. I don't know how long she waited with me. She just did. She still held my hands as my body slowly unlocked, muscle after muscle, and I sank into her couch.

And then nothing.

I felt groggy when I opened my eyes again. I still had my jacket on and I smelt like sleep. I felt a sharp filament of pain in my arms and back when I sat up. There was a burn in my neck when I turned my head to scan the living room. Where was Jacob?

There was no one with me. I knew that there were good explanations as for why I was waking up alone; a myriad of logical reasons, really. Still, only the most twisted and disheartening justifications sprung to mind: had they gone to talk about worrying things they didn't want me to know about? Were they trying to keep secrets? Had they left me behind on purpose? Was I too much to handle? Nagging at the back of my mind was the scariest of them all: could Victoria have got to the wolves in the short time I had been asleep?

Somewhere in the house, a door opened and closed. Would Victoria use the door? I ignored the soreness in my neck and turned to watch the arch that joined the living room and the hallway. Silently, Emily walked past it to the kitchen sink. I let out the breath I'd been holding. She didn't seem to hear me. I swung my legs off the couch and couldn't hold back a grunt; it felt like every single muscle fibre in my thighs was extending to its breaking point, and I hadn't even tried to stand up.

'Hey, Bella,' she said casually before quickly returning to her task.

'Hi,' I responded, unsure how to proceed. I didn't feel very comfortable alone with Emily, intruding on her daily habits. For all that had happened this morning, she was still a stranger. 'Where's Jacob?'

'He's out with Sam, they're… on patrol.' Her voice had the resilience of someone who understood that they were making a sacrifice for the greater good, but couldn't pretend that they were completely happy about it. I felt guilty. _I_ had compromised the greater good. I wanted to leave.

'What time is it?'

'It's just past two.' Had I slept so long?

'I'm sorry', I mumbled. I wasn't happy with having crashed here.

'Don't worry about it,' she said, nonchalant. 'It's good you got some rest.' I couldn't tell if she meant it.

I was about to stand up when she brought a plate over. A sandwich.

'Cheddar.'

'Thanks.' I glanced at her briefly. I noticed that her scar extended to the top of her hand and averted my gaze.

There was a whistling sound, and she came back with two cups of tea. I didn't like hot beverages, but I didn't say anything.

'Here,' she smiled, sitting down on a pillow on the floor.

I mumbled another thank you. It was silent while I nibbled on the snack Emily'd given me. She was scribbling a few notes in a small notebook.

'I'm sorry about before,' I blurted out, finally. 'This morning, I mean.' She looked up and she had a mellow smile on her face.

'It's okay, don't worry about it. Really. It happens, and I know you had a shock; there's no need to be sorry about that. Truly.' She held my gaze for a few seconds before taking a sip of her tea. It was still steaming, and I wondered how she could handle the heat of it. She laughed to herself as she put it down. 'I'm just really glad I attended that one psychology workshop.'

'Yeah, me too.' I found myself smiling as well.

'Speaking of; you might want to take a hot shower when you get home.' She finished scribbling in her notebook. 'You were really stiff and... tense when you got here and I _know_ that couch isn't very comfortable, so you'll feel that in the next couple of days.'

'Sure.'

I didn't know how to continue our conversation, but thankfully Emily had more to do than sit around with me. She took another sip, closed her notebook and got up.

'Jacob won't be long, don't worry,' she announced as she went back to the kitchen. 'Just help yourself, and if you need anything I'll be in the garden out back, okay?' She threw me one last smile before I heard the sound of the door.

It was strange to hear Emily mention Jacob as she left me alone in her house; was I so obviously reliant on him? Did I look so uncomfortable in her company? I didn't think I had; I didn't feel that way, at least, nothing beyond the usual apprehension of getting to know someone new.

Someone whose fiancé could die because of me. I pushed the thought away and went back to nibbling on the remaining half of my sandwich.

Alone in Emily's living room, I saw it for the first time properly. There was a tall bookshelf in the corner, crammed to the brim. Actually, there were quite a few books around, almost all of them well worn. There was a pile right next to the bookshelf, some more scattered on the sideboard, and two stacks under the coffee table in front of me. Five gerberas stood in a vase, and a flowerless peace lily sat in the corner. Next to the small TV set, the window curtains were parted and a light, warm ray of sunshine lit the colourful carpet.

If the Cullens had still been here, they would not have come out today.

I wrapped my arms around my chest quickly; the gaping hole was sucking me into nothingness. I jumped to my feet and the sharp pain that run through my body eased the sense of ravaging emptiness inside. I took a few steps around the room, focussing on the physical, tangible ache that stretched with each muscle. I was going to take a long, hot shower as Emily'd said.

I walked to the kitchen. There was a red tulip in a glass bud vase, on the window ledge. Standing by the fridge, carefully inspecting the room, I felt a bit of giddy excitement in my stomach for venturing beyond my assigned area, innocently nosing around someone else's house. It was a mundane distraction, and that cheered me up. I studied Emily's utensils on the counter, running my hand against the wooden top of the kitchen island. The fresh loaf of bread she'd used for my sandwich was still on the counter. Emily's kitchen was not unlike Charlie's, but it felt warm and alive in a way that ours didn't. I could feel Emily's care for the pack in its little details; the amount of food on display, the large assortment of mismatched plates and glasses or the ingredients scratched off the recipes that hung on the fridge door and that had a single "Paul" or "Embry" for explanation.

Another item caught my attention. Hanging on one of the exposed beams on the other side of the island, there was a woodcarving. Long geometrical shapes were painted in black, red and blue. I could see a bird's beak… but also a fish tail, a mouth full of teeth and something not unlike a human face. I wasn't sure what it was I was supposed to see. I took a step back, trying to see if squinting would help. Renée said it was her technique to make sense of abstract art.

'Hey, Bella.'

I jumped, sucking in a breath.

I turned around to see Jacob and Sam standing behind me. Now that they were standing side by side, I could see that it was Sam's face that was slowly altering Jacob's, finding a mirror in it, slowly making the best friend I'd known disappear. Still, I let out a happy sigh. I was glad to see Jacob safe and sound. I realized then that if I was to function normally, I couldn't spend every second of every day worrying about him; I had to believe that nothing would happen to him. Could I?

'Hey,' I answered. Everything was easier with Jacob around; I didn't have to try to make conversation, I didn't have to think about the gaping hole in my chest. I had almost forgotten that I hadn't seen him since my freak-out this morning. Sam walked over to me and grabbed an apple from the island.

'You alright?' Jacob asked.

'Yeah, yeah,' I said, mechanically.

'Bella,' Sam began, 'Jacob and Jared filled us in on the female vampire. Jacob thinks it's better if you stay in La Push-'

'It is,' Jacob interrupted. Sam ignored him.

'But you have to decide. You also have to know,' he said slower, lending the weight of his voice to every word, 'that I cannot make promises to you if you decide to stay here. You saw what happened with Paul yesterday; things can get dangerous.' He gave me a look. I instinctively looked at Jacob. He was giving Sam a look. 'If there is anywhere else you'd feel safe, you should consider going.'

There wasn't anywhere I could go. There wasn't anywhere I wanted to go, anywhere I could lead Victoria without putting anyone in more danger than they already were.

'There isn't.' I felt slightly embarrassed as I said it, like I had said: no, I have no one else to protect me now. I have no one else who cares about me enough to risk their life anymore. No one but Sam and Jacob. I remembered Charlie then. 'What about Charlie?'

'Old man and Harry can keep him coming down here, don't worry,' Jacob interjected. 'There's March Madness happening.'

I didn't know what that was but I assumed it involved a TV and screaming at the screen. I picked at my nails, though the splint made it difficult. I observed Sam for a minute; I'd always seen him calm, solemn, unreadable, standing tall. In his kitchen, biting on an apple, he hadn't lost all his aloofness, but he was relaxed. He was leaning against the counter, shoulders rounded, ankles crossed.

'I'm sorry,' I said, uneasiness sitting in the pit of my stomach, 'for bringing the vampires here.'

I heard Jacob hold his breath and I knew he was biting his tongue.

Sam watched me for a moment. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but I could feel my heart throbbing as I waited for him say something. It was strange; I had never really looked at Sam until this day, but I felt compelled to hold his gaze. I wondered if he was looking for something there, if he was assessing me. He took his time.

'It's why we're here,' he concluded. His tone wasn't warm, but I wondered if there was something underneath the matter-of-factness; not something hidden, but something I just wasn't able to grasp yet.

I heard the back door, and we all watched Emily come in. She had dirt on the knees of her jeans and a black smear on her forehead. None of this seemed to matter. Sam stood up immediately and she walked to him in long strides. She had a radiant smile on her face. He cupped her cheeks to bring her mouth to his. I looked away.

How was this real? I knew it wasn't possible, but the air was so filled with need and love and adoration and contentment that I thought I might suffocate. How was this real? Worse: having seen this, how could anyone settle for anything else?

Jacob grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door.

'I'll see you later,' he threw over his shoulder.

I could feel the throbbing edges of the wound in my chest bleeding. I pulled my hand out of Jacob's and I wrapped my arms around myself. The truck had been parked in front of the door.

I looked at Jacob. I remembered wishing he was my brother. I felt it even more strongly now. In truth, Jacob could be anyone or anything; he was still the sun to me; he felt safe and restful and comforting. It occurred to me that I just wanted a claim on him. I felt horrible as I was thinking it, for being so selfish, but as much as I cared for him and his happiness, I also knew that I wanted him never to leave, no matter what. Worse, I wanted him not to be able to; I wanted to be able to call him back to my side – always, whenever, no matter what. I would never love Jacob like I loved Edward, but I would also probably never need anyone like I needed Jacob.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or its characters.

 **AN:** Since you are reading a story inspired by and involving, to some extent, the Quileute tribe and its history, please consider making a charitable donation to groups that help and support American Indians. You can find some resources on twitter here: /MsKellyMHayes/status/1065411304758890497

* * *

He left the passenger door open for me and went to sit behind the wheel.

'Why do you do that?' He said after a while.

I wondered if I should just play dumb and pretend I didn't know what he was talking about. Jacob didn't let me.

'You wrap your arms around yourself when you're upset. Why?'

I wanted to ask him how he could notice so many things about me. My chest swelled with a heartbroken, tender warming; I wasn't sure I deserved someone as attentive as Jacob paying attention to me.

That feeling didn't help the fact that I didn't know how to answer him. If he'd asked any other time, I could have honestly explained: it hurts when I think of them. But now it was more complicated because it hadn't been a matter of thinking of them therefore being in pain; seeing, feeling, being reminded of love was involved.

'Sometimes… I get reminded of them.' I saw Billy's cabin coming into view. 'And it hurts to think of them, I…'

He turned the keys in the ignition and the engine fell silent. I squeezed my chest a bit more.

'I feel like I'm falling to pieces – I feel like I can't breathe, so…'

I didn't think I would have ever told Jacob. Now that he knew who they were, what they were, I could tell him anything; I could admit to everything. I didn't need to have any more secrets. I also didn't have an excuse to hide my silence behind.

'Sorry, Bella – I'm sorry,' he said, and there was a longing in his voice that reminded me of that warming from a few seconds ago.

He lifted his hand to my arm but then decided to jump out the cab and make his way to the passenger door. He opened it to sit onto the thin outer edge of my seat and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

'It's okay, not your fault – it happens all the time,' I said dismissively. I leant onto his shoulder against my better judgement; but a slight fog had risen over La Push, and Jacob's warmth was a pleasant shield against the damp cold that threatened to seep into my clothes.

'Hey, Jake, how come you're all so warm? Is that a werewolf thing?'

He pulled away quickly to look at my face; I saw his surprised expression and it irked me that it seemed he thought I was too self-absorbed to have noticed. I pouted with chagrin.

I saw him smile and he resumed his hugging. It felt nice.

'"All"? Now what do you mean by "all"?' He said theatrically. I snorted, somewhat amused.

'Come on,' I urged.

'Yeah, it is. We're a little warmer than the normal people; one-oh-eight, one-oh-nine, I think.'

'That's nice,' I answered, revelling in the heat.

'Yeah, I never get cold anymore.'

I realized that I hadn't had time to ask Jacob anything about being a werewolf. I'd tried to think about it on our way to the ER, but he'd run away as soon as he was done explaining everything to the receptionist. And there'd been my truck waiting outside when I got out; how did he even get home? It would have taken him hours to walk back to the reservation.

I straightened up and he let go. Through my jacket I could feel the change in temperature.

'But you do,' he said, like he'd felt the same cooling I had. 'Let's go inside,' he instructed, sliding off the seat and walking towards his garage.

I followed him. It wasn't much warmer inside, though. I was just about to sit when I gasped. The Newton Store!

'Oh my God – I have my shift at the store today!' I exclaimed. 'Crap, crap!' I ran to the door and out to the truck; Jacob quickly caught up with me and blocked the way.

'Relax, Bella,' he said, hands raised. 'They don't expect you coming in today.'

'No, Jake, I always work Saturdays,' I huffed, trying to get around him.

'No, I _know_ that,' he answered, slightly exasperated, 'what I _mean_ is that they're letting you have today off.'

I'd only had one day off before, but my mind didn't have a chance to wander that way.

'What?' Jacob sighed and I stopped fiddling with the keys.

'After this morning… While you were sleeping at Emily's, the Newtons called Charlie 'cause you hadn't come in. So then he called my dad because you'd planned to come here, he said. Old man called at Emily's, she explained, he called Charlie back and the message that you were ill or had fainted or whatever reached the Newtons and…' He rubbed his face like he couldn't believe I'd need that much detail, smiled a small smile and finished with an emphatic: 'They don't expect you to come in to work today.'

I sighed loudly, and Jacob rubbed my shoulder gently. I smiled, biting my lip.

'Thanks, Jake.'

'Do you think you can, like, not worry about anything for 15 minutes today or is that just… not happening?' He asked cheekily.

I clicked my tongue and shoved him a little.

'Careful, Bella,' he continued, 'we don't want you with both your hands useless.'

He laughed and I didn't expect it but I did too.

'Hey, can I ask you something?' I said more soberly.

'Sure,' he answered, smiling.

I didn't know how to phrase it because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. Jacob's smile wasn't make it easier.

'Do you… Do you always 'phase' when you get angry or…' I didn't know what to add to that.

His demeanour transformed immediately. He put his hands in his pockets and looked to the side, staring into nothing, pensive. Perfect picture of forced detachment.

'In the beginning, it's hard. You lose your temper easily and then you just explode, literally. But then it gets better. After a while, you can just phase when you need, and not phase every time you're upset.' His voice had been neutral, but it transformed when he said the next part. 'Except for Paul; Paul's gonna be losing his temper every other day til the day he dies.' It had been meant to be a small relaxing joke, but Jacob didn't sound amused; he sounded angry.

'What was it like… the first time?' I asked hesitantly. It was easy between Jacob and I, but I wasn't sure how much I could probe. He pressed his lips.

'It was the most…' his voice was very low, 'terrifying – the most…' he chewed his lip, 'horrible thing I've ever experienced.' I felt a pain in my heart and took a step towards him without thinking. 'Worse than I could have imagined. And…' He looked at me then.

'What?' I said quietly, but he looked away.

I was overcome again by this familiar feeling, the daring and anguished feeling that made my heart leap out towards Jacob whenever he looked agitated or hurt. My mind and body, strangely unified, moved towards him with the sole purpose of alleviating his pain in any way I could. It was the kind of deep, distressing and compelling human feeling that arises when you feel someone else's pain almost as your own. I knew I'd felt it once or twice before, but every time I was taken aback by it.

'I'd been really happy until then.' His voice was steadier and he looked at me. 'Because of you mostly.' My lips stretched in a small, tight small, because I didn't know what else to do; I couldn't believe I'd been able to make someone happy in my state, but also I wanted to spare Jacob's feelings, not give him the wrong idea. 'That's why Sam and the others watched me for so long. It was just building up inside me so slowly. Because of you. But it had to happen eventually. When I came back from that movie we saw… Billy said I looked weird.' He scoffed. 'He just said I looked weird, that's it, but I just snapped, just – exploded.' He took a few steps back, shaking his head in disbelief. 'I almost ripped my own father's face off.'

His words brought a disturbing thought to my mind, a suspicion that I didn't dare give words to. It made the hair on my arms rise. I closed the distance between us and rested my good hand on Jacob's arm.

'Jake, are you okay?'

'Yeah, Yeah, I'm okay; I'm good, now that you know. And I'm not alone. Sam, he… he didn't have anyone.' I felt a pang, and I wondered if Jacob brought up Sam because of the speculation that'd flashed in my brain a few seconds before. Again, he was looking away, into the distance. 'The first time I changed was the worst, but I had these voices in my head.' My eyes opened wide but he didn't see; I think he was looking away on purpose. 'I could hear the other guys and they told me what to do. They explained. It took Sam two weeks to change back the first time.'

I didn't move. I didn't know how to react, what question to ask first, or if I should even be learning all this about Sam when we barely knew each other. The memory of Sam finding me in the woods that day flashed in my mind. I knew next to nothing about him generally, but we'd both found out about some of each other's most painful moments. I squeezed Jacob's arm, almost like he could be a proxy. The hole in my chest tingled with warning. I was about to say some dumb platitude but Jacob wasn't done.

'He's had to make every mistake on his own before he could teach us about them.' There was an ominous edge to his voice. 'We still do all phase when we get really upset; can't help it, but… Sam can order us to calm down. He doesn't like it, but he does it 'cause he knows it's the best thing to do. Emily,' he started, and I could feel the anticipation pooling in my stomach, my heart rate picking up, 'she was just standing too close, one day. Sam got... overwhelmed for a split second, and that was it. Now, every day, he has to look at her.'

"Every day you're reminded, you mean," I wanted to say, but even if I knew it was the truth, it would be too cruel to voice it. We were both aware of it.

A gust of ocean wind crashed into us, and I shivered. I'd been cold for a while, but I couldn't have interrupted. Jacob took my hand with an apologetic smile and led me back inside. I was starting to notice that he held my hand a lot. Once in the garage he grabbed a wool blanket that he wrapped around me.

'Sorry,' he said. 'I forgot.'

He opened the passenger door of the rabbit and sat inside, legs stretched out, facing me. I sat on the trunk he'd filled with old, random car parts. Our conversation was strained with all that remained to be said, all the questions that I should be asking, but I wasn't sure that Jacob still wanted to talk about this.

'We don't have to talk about it anymore,' I said, hoping I sounded supportive. 'If you don't want to,' I quickly added. I didn't want us to misunderstand again, like this morning. I wanted Jacob to know that I didn't say this because I didn't want to hear more. I did, even if there was a lot that needed to sink in.

Jacob draped his arm around the back of the passenger seat and cocked his head to the side, grinning.

'I told you I hear voices in my head, but we don't need to talk about it?' He laughed. I tittered, but I didn't know how to explain it to him. The truth was inconvenient. I postponed saying it.

'So how does that work?'

'It's like… When we're wolves, we can hear all of each other's thoughts. It's really good when we're hunting, 'cause we can coordinate instantly. The rest of the time though, it's just a massive pain. You can't have any secrets; whatever goes through your mind, they'll all know. Another freaky thing to add to the list.'

'I don't mind,' I shrugged.

'That doesn't bother you?' he asked flatly; carefully.

'No.' Here comes the inconvenient truth. 'It's not the first time I'm told someone can hear other people's thoughts.'

'Your bloodsuckers?'

I glared at him. He raised his hands in the air defensively.

'The Cullens?' I bit down on my lip for a bit, to focus on another pain.

'Just Edward.' I pulled the blanket tighter. Jacob's eyebrows shot up.

'Really? We have stories that say some vampires can do… extra stuff, but I thought it was just a myth.'

'Really?' I said, jumping on the opportunity to deviate the conversation. 'You turn into a giant wolf but you're still not convinced you should believe all these stories?' I teased.

'Okay, fair,' he admitted, shrugging.

I looked at Jacob and the longer I looked, the more impressive his resilience became. I wanted to make him feel better.

'So,' I said. 'What's the best bit?'

'The speed,' he answered, immediately. He grinned.

'Better than the bikes?'

'Definitely.'

'How fast can you run?' I was smiling too.

'Fast enough… It's hard to explain. Maybe…' He looked at me and pursed his lips. 'Laurent, yeah? We caught him. That gives you an idea, right?' My heart fluttered.

'Yeah.'

Jacob's tone hadn't changed, but I could tell something had. He was wondering how much I knew. He was trying to see how much he could ask, how deep he could dig without causing too much damage. I couldn't tell if he was trying to get something (information maybe) out of it, or if he just wanted to know how far Edward and I had taken things, how much he'd shown me. Jacob had revealed a lot, and I feared we might be switching roles. I wanted to beat him to the question queue, but nothing came to mind. I didn't want to ask him what the worst bit was; I didn't want to remind him of what he didn't like.

'Why,' too slow, 'did that entire thing with James happen, anyway?' His voice was soft and cautious. This was it. I could tell Jacob anything I wanted now, but I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him everything.

'James was like… a hunter.' Jacob looked confused. 'He got a… thrill tracking people that were going to be difficult for him to…' I bit my lip, 'kill. It was a game for him. But he lost.' I cleared my throat. Jacob was perfectly still, but then narrowed his eyes. He was starting to piece it together. I wasn't sure whether it'd be better to give him the few extra seconds he needed to work it out, or come forward myself. My scar itched, but I was careful not to let that show.

'Wait…' he said.

'When I was in the hospital last year,' I interrupted, deciding that remaining in control was better, 'do you remember?' He nodded and I wasn't surprised. 'That was that.' He jumped out the rabbit, his eyes wide. He looked horrified.

'He got that close?' He demanded.

Before I could answer though, his eyes widened again and he walked towards me. He had the pained look of someone about to say a last desperate prayer; "please, _please_ let me be wrong". I realized at the last moment what he was on about.

He grabbed my hand with a bit more strength than necessary. He flipped it over to show the crescent-shaped scar I'd been trying to hide. When Jacob touched it, I instinctively hissed and retracted it. His skin had been too hot in comparison.

'He _bit_ you?' He asked in a loud voice.

'James,' I felt the need to emphasize. 'In Phoenix.' Jacob had started trembling.

'But you're still human.' His jaw was locked.

'Edward,' the edges of the wound were throbbing again, 'sucked the venom out. Like with a rattlesnake.'

Jacob was shaking even more violently now. He got up suddenly, started pacing, breathing loudly. Emily's face flashed in front of my eyes. For Sam it'd only taken one second. Jacob was a couple of feet away from me. I could tell that was "too close". There was no room in the garage. He would take it all away with him if he phased now. I'd become another Emily.

'Jacob–'

'Stop.' He said. He knew. He seemed angry with me, too. 'Tell me something,' he asked. 'Anything. Please.' He hated this, I knew.

Something something something; anything! My head was filled with vampires and death threats and painful memories of Edward. And werewolves. Angry ones. Paul.

'You didn't tell me you could speak Quileute,' I blurted out. That had come out as more of a question. Apparently Jacob wasn't pleased with my choice of topic.

'What?' He asked, confused. I started babbling.

'Yesterday. You ran away when I came and Paul didn't let me go after you, and Sam asked if I wanted to wait for you at his place and they started speaking Quileute so I wouldn't understand.' Jacob turned to me with a puzzled expression. He was still shaking. Less.

'Oh, that. Yeah, no, we don't speak Quileute. Only Billy and Old Quil can. Harry's forgotten most of it. Jared's grandmother maybe. The rest of us only know words and phrases that we learn at school.'

'I'm pretty sure it was Quileute,' I said defensively. I couldn't help it, even if I knew the entire point was just to distract Jacob. His hands were still shaking. He was still pacing.

'Bella,' he called, serious, staring at me. He stopped moving. 'People don't just "speak Quileute" anymore.' I blushed. I unwrapped the blanket and threw it at him. It should have landed on the floor, but he caught it.

'So what was it then, German?' I asked sarcastically, my voice rising slightly.

He chuckled, reluctantly. He'd stopped shaking but I wasn't as happy about it as I should have been; Jacob was making fun of me.

'Look, it wasn't _not_ Quileute,' he conceived. 'But they only used some words here and there so you wouldn't get it.'

'How would you even know?' I huffed.

'Pack mind, remember?'

Anger was making me stupid, but I didn't feel like backing down.

'What were they saying then?' I dared him.

He came to wrap the blanket back around me. I refused to move and make it easy for him to.

'Nothing important,' he shrugged, but he was smiling slightly.

'What does that mean?' I insisted.

'It wasn't about you, don't worry. It was about me, actually; 'cause I'd bolted.' He sat down next to me. 'Paul was complaining,' he rolled his eyes, but the shadow of the smile lingered for some reason.

He'd just reminded me that I'd wanted to ask why he had bolted. He didn't give me the time to.

'Did I hurt your hand?' He said. That surprised me. The smile wasn't there anymore.

'What?' He pointed to the scar. 'Oh, no. It's just the temperature difference,' I explained, raising my arm for him to see it was fine. 'Your hand felt really hot and I was a bit taken aback.'

'Sorry,' he grimaced.

'It's okay, Jake,' I said casually, but it was too late. His face looked like Sam's again.

'And for… losing it.' His voice was harsh. 'I didn't want to do that to you. I'm sorry'

'It's okay,' I whispered. I didn't quite know what to say; I _had_ had a bit of a scare, that's true, but Jacob was obviously being too hard on himself. 'Nothing's happened.'

I suddenly remembered telling Edward that what'd happen with Jasper had been nothing. "You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected." I rounded my back, curling onto myself discreetly.

'Even before, though…' Jacob started, and put his face in his hands for a second. 'I promised myself that no matter what you'd tell me, I wouldn't let it overwhelm me, that I'd just handle it and deal with it.' It took me a while to understand that he was talking about this morning. 'But…' I didn't want to let him finish.

'Is that what you meant, yesterday, when you said it wasn't safe?' I asked.

'Yeah…'

'You know, that's what made me think you were a murderer,' I explained. I tried to put on a dramatic face to go with the joke.

'Pff,' he smiled.

'So you don't need a full moon?' He laughed then, and I was glad.

'No, Hollywood's definitely got it wrong.'

'Hm, good to know. And you're fully conscious too?'

'What? Of course.'

'So Harry Potter got it wrong as well,' I mused, putting on what I knew was a badly-preformed air of seriousness.

I threw every pop culture werewolf reference that I could think of at Jacob, until I ran out and he got almost annoyed. Then I asked him to tell me about where he'd been as a wolf, how everything felt, what was the same, what was different. He'd been all the way to Canada, he said. I didn't mention any vampires and neither did he.

The world outside turned a warm golden shade. The precious kind that you see in films and always amazes you when you bathe in it in real life. We stepped outside for a few minutes.

We watched Charlie's cruiser park in front of Billy's. It was almost dinnertime and Charlie'd brought two pizzas, which a wise decision because Jacob ate one entirely on his own. When Charlie finally got around to asking Jacob about his new haircut, he shrugged it off, saying it was more convenient. Charlie wasn't fully convinced, we saw, until Billy complained about "teenagers" and their ways.

After dinner I walked back to the truck and rolled down the window to say goodbye to Jacob. He leaned in.

'Don't worry, we'll be keeping watch tonight.' The thought of these boys watching out for Victoria did nothing to ease my concerns, however.

'Thanks,' I said with a small smile. What else was there to say?

The ocean wind rose and sent my hair flying in my face. I pulled my hand from the steering wheel to fix it, but Jacob was already taking care of it. He brushed my cheeks with his warm fingers, tucking the untamed strands behind my ears. I quickly slipped my hands underneath his to do it myself. I sank deeper in my seat and run my hands over my head nervously, to make sure it was all in place.

This wasn't the kind of intimate gestures that I wanted to have with Jacob.

'See you tomorrow,' I said slowly.

'Sweet dreams, Bella,' he answered, stepping away from the cab.

When I joined Charlie on our home's doorstep, he eyed me nervously.

'That, um… fight you had with Jacob last week, it was, um… just a _friendly_ disagreement, right?'

It was unusual for Charlie to trip over his every word when it came to Jacob, and I was careful when I answered. Was he worried that my relationship with Jacob was going to impact his relationship with Billy? Or... no.

'Yeah, of course, why?'

'Nothing,' he said quickly, and turned the keys in the lock.


End file.
